Long Time No See

I started journaling, or keeping a diary of sorts, when I was in elementary school.  I've never been very good at it.  I don't think any biographer could use my scattered, misspelled, and often fictional entries to come to any conclusions about who I am or what my life has been.  Possibly some touchstone moments emerge and even themes, but I wonder if I really want to be represented by those words.  I spend so much time obsessing in those pages about things I myself wouldn't find interesting even in a voyeuristic way about someone else.  When I read back over months and years I shake my head in wonder at the important events I've left without comment and yet how obsessive I can be about things that matter so very little.

And always there is the moment where I apologize for having skipped days, weeks or months.  Yet, I do little to fill in the gaps.  About that time I give a small update, I recap the lost time briefly, and then I pick up where I left off with odd little fictions, to-do lists, and sentences that would serve better feeding actual flames than reading.

The pattern is no different for my on-line public journal. I write, I pause, I lament, I write, I pause, I lament. The big difference is the content of the writing.  

For the blog, there are really three types of entries: writing I'm working on, self promotion, and rage responses.

1) Writing I'm working on includes short stories, poems, plays and essays.  Most of the time this means I want some sort of feed back and usually this means I want a pat on the back.  It is also possible I'm trying to work on my career in a fit of trying to actually prove I'm a writer, but even then it's possible I'm just looking to be validated.
2) Self Promotion is really just an extended but more specific version of type 1.  Except here I'm promoting some real world event like a reading or a performance.

3) Rage responses are my favorite and they make me wish I was an angrier person on the whole because it's so much fun to write these.  My two favorite also happen to be my two biggest hits: Dear Playwright.. and More Plays About Icebergs? still get page views.  Although, I need to be clear, my audience has never been large by any standard.  "English for Beginners" falls into this category.  Yes, it mingles with category 1, but really it was a way for me to vent my anger at specific situations through a character's mouth.  And the scene that got the most hits was the one that got the most specific "Act 2, Scene 2".     

A friend recently asked when I was going to pick up the script again and blog another scene.  Soon, I said.  Very soon.  But then I looked at the date I had last made an entry and I wondered if I shouldn't wait until the one year anniversary came up and then post.  Of course, I would have to write the "I'm sorry" post first just as I do for myself.  With brief updates, incoherent ramblings, and small but meaningless fictions.  Truth couched in vague themes that are sidelined for vanity riffs. And then, having done with my obligatory apology, I would reformat the blog and then make too many promises to myself and to any reader that wondered in that there would be regular updates. And I would...until they tapered off into nothingness leaving me in a pit of dispare at my own ability to finish anything I start.

I may be a bit over dramatic at times. It's ok.  I'm an unreliable narrator.

The thing is, I'm not going to apologize to you or to myself for not writing on this blog.  It fell into a place I like to call "lowest possible priority" territory. Did I have work I was doing and should have shared? Yes.  Did I have stuff I should have been promoting? Yes.  Was I angry about things and needed an outlet to vent? You bet your sweet ass I did.  But this blog...I can't tell you how much I hate that word...really became a bog that sat at the corner of my field and rested ignored.  Sometimes shit happens and sometimes I'm going to let it sit there.

And sometimes I'm a big ol' flake.  I am going to take this time to apologize to some dudes I've never met.  I was introduced to The Toilet Online (www.thetoiletonline.com) via an awesome Steven Seagal flash animation that was being featured on AtomFilms.com.  Yes, I just took you down internet history memory lane.  The Toilet was a comedy website run by some dudes.  These dudes where funny and they were looking for female writers.  No kidding! I applied and I got the job.  They even posted some of my stories and comedy lists.  I need to apologize for three things.  One, in the email interview they asked if I was going to flake and I said "No." Two, after my first stories were put up and internet commentators did the thing they did best (rage responses) I cried and gave up.  So I flaked.  But I didn't flake because I got bored.  I flaked because I got scared. I'm sorry I flaked when I said I wouldn't.  I'm more sorry for getting scared and running away. Third, I let down the ladies. There are so many deserving, funny, dedicated lady comedy writers out there who deserved that job more then me.  And I flaked on it. And I got scared. (Not to mention I'm sure the quality wasn't great...but I'm not really sorry for that.  Shit happens.)  So.  To some dudes I've never met who aren't even really doing those things any more and probably don't remember me and think my apology is a waste of time so it really doesn't matter: I'm sorry.

The good news is Ken McIntyre remains awesome http://www.kenmcintyre.com/.  Last year he was cleaning up the Steven Seagal animations.  He also was one of the people who did SuperNews! on CurrentTV.  I don't know what he's up to this year, but the year just started so I assume it will be something great.  I still have a fantasy about meeting him at a Hollywood party.  We'll have PBR's and Jameson in our hands and we'll introduce ourselves and he'll say "That name sounds vaguely familiar." and I'll say "No, I'm not related to Anne Rice." and he'll say "Having a good time?" and I'll say "I"m fantasizing about being at a cool Hollywood party, which means I'm actually standing at a copy machine at work." and he'll say "Really, you have fantasy's about this at work?"  and I'll say "Well, there is that one where -" and he'll say, "Well, see ya! Good luck with everything!" and I'll say "Thank you."

To the point: I'm going to write the next scene and it will be up by Tuesday, February 19th, at 10am.  The format will be different.  The characters will be the same. I may or may not be angry when I write it.  I don't care about plot any more but I will pay more attention to spelling errors...maybe.  And I promise, it will sometimes fall into "lowest possible priority" territory, but I won't avoid the work because I'm afraid.

I may be a bit over dramatic at times. It's ok.  I'm an unreliable narrator.


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